It’s unfortunate that as of yet there is no dirt on Bibi. There is nothing quite like a good rape/bribery/extortion case to knock an Israeli Prime Minister off his annoyingly high horse. What joy it would bring the masses to see the mighty falling, while having his pride dragged through the muddy banks of a public enquiry, just because he forced an assistant to learn the ropes while under his desk.
Unfortunately, Livni isn’t doing much better. Kadima, the party which earned my vote last year, look likely to take power around the same time Ariel Sharon comes out of his coma and headlines in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new production of Jesus Christ Superstar. However, I will remain faithful to my party and stand by you through this difficult period in opposition. After hours of research, and much careful consideration I have formulated the following policies, that will bring Kadima to a decisive victory in the next election.
Policy 1: Liberalizing Gaza and toppling Hamas
A liberal Gaza, is a safe Gaza. We dig our own tunnels, and begin smuggling in anything which the people of Gaza will enjoy to the dislike of Hamas. Lets start with a dozen bottles of whiskey, a crate of pornography and a box set of home improvement TV shows. Before long Hamas will be ousted, and Gazans will enjoy smoking, binge drinking and swinging like the rest of the world. By the summer we will see reports of Gaza City’s first Gay Parade, ex-Hamas supporters prancing down the main streets with feathers pointing out of their bandanas and furry underwear protecting their man hood instead of AK-47s.
Policy 2: Reducing settlement numbers
Other than moral, there is currently no incentive for settlers to move from their outposts. We could offer each family of settlers one million dollars, the currency most are familiar with, to move back into Israel. Those that choose to stay on occupied land must wear silly pointy hats with the word PAWN written upon them. This will help them to realise their purpose in life as a human sized tool to land grab, or as a negotiating chip where they will eventually be tossed back into Israel like a pile of dirty laundry that nobody wants. Soon enough all that originally refused to move will be so humiliated they will emigrate back to America perhaps building a settlement somewhere along the way.
Policy 3: Put a stop to smoking indoors
Most smokers have failed to comply with this relatively new law, it is time these people faced the consequences; a long overdue communist style crackdown. Undercover agents wearing cheap grey suits and driving in blacked out Skodas will linger in the dark corners of nightclubs. If they spot someone lighting up illegally they will captured, gagged, bounded then whisked away to a secret location. Then, when they are at their most confused, a glitter ball will descend from an opening in the ceiling. Speakers will begin to pump out bad 90’s trance music, and the smokers will be forced to dance endlessly while being provided with packet after packet of cancer sticks. We will stop the torture when only 10% of the smokers remain alive. They will then spread stories to their friends and family about the consequences of forcing us to breathe in their stinking toxins.
Good ideas don’t grow on trees Livni, make it happen.
It’s unfortunate that as of yet there is no dirt on Bibi. There is nothing quite like a good rape/bribery/extortion case to knock an Israeli Prime Minister off his annoyingly high horse. What joy it would bring the masses to see the mighty falling, while having his pride dragged through the muddy banks of a public enquiry, just because he forced an assistant to learn the ropes while under his desk.
Unfortunately, Livni isn’t doing much better. Kadima, the party which earned my vote last year, look likely to take power around the same time Ariel Sharon comes out of his coma and headlines in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new production of Jesus Christ Superstar. However, I will remain faithful to my party and stand by you through this difficult period in opposition. After hours of research, and much careful consideration I have formulated the following policies, that will bring Kadima to a decisive victory in the next election.
Policy 1: Liberalizing Gaza and toppling Hamas
A liberal Gaza, is a safe Gaza. We dig our own tunnels, and begin smuggling in anything which the people of Gaza will enjoy to the dislike of Hamas. Lets start with a dozen bottles of whiskey, a crate of pornography and a box set of home improvement TV shows. Before long Hamas will be ousted, and Gazans will enjoy smoking, binge drinking and swinging like the rest of the world. By the summer we will see reports of Gaza City’s first Gay Parade, ex-Hamas supporters prancing down the main streets with feathers pointing out of their bandanas and furry underwear protecting their man hood instead of AK-47s.
Policy 2: Reducing settlement numbers
Other than moral, there is currently no incentive for settlers to move from their outposts. We could offer each family of settlers one million dollars, the currency most are familiar with, to move back into Israel. Those that choose to stay on occupied land must wear silly pointy hats with the word PAWN written upon them. This will help them to realise their purpose in life as a human sized tool to land grab, or as a negotiating chip where they will eventually be tossed back into Israel like a pile of dirty laundry that nobody wants. Soon enough all that originally refused to move will be so humiliated they will emigrate back to America perhaps building a settlement somewhere along the way.
Policy 3: Put a stop to smoking indoors
Most smokers have failed to comply with this relatively new law, it is time these people faced the consequences; a long overdue communist style crackdown. Undercover agents wearing cheap grey suits and driving in blacked out Skodas will linger in the dark corners of nightclubs. If they spot someone lighting up illegally they will captured, gagged, bounded then whisked away to a secret location. Then, when they are at their most confused, a glitter ball will descend from an opening in the ceiling. Speakers will begin to pump out bad 90’s trance music, and the smokers will be forced to dance endlessly while being provided with packet after packet of cancer sticks. We will stop the torture when only 10% of the smokers remain alive. They will then spread stories to their friends and family about the consequences of forcing us to breathe in their stinking toxins.
Good ideas don’t grow on trees Livni, make it happen.
Posted in Comment, Israel, politics | Tags: bibi, Israel, Kadima, Likud, Livni, palestine, peace, politics, settlements